“我爸是个法西斯，他在墨索里尼的部队里被训练成了一个恐怖分子。他简直是反人类：爱尔兰人他叫爱尔兰佬，黑人他叫黑鬼，犹太人他叫犹太佬。他的主要手段就是让人痛苦：他蹂躏我，把我锁在储藏室，用扫帚把打我，他把我送去医院好多次，还威胁我说要当街打爆我的头。我被他的坏情绪所影响，有时我也会发出他的那种声音，当我恼羞成怒骂骂咧咧时，我听起来就像他一样，那是他钻在我的身体里跟我说话。但我没有变成他，是我爷爷挽救了我。我奶奶也是个法西斯，跟我爸一个样，她能一边手捻玫瑰念珠一边咒骂这个世界。但我爷爷是个简单的人，他和我们住在一起，他拥抱我亲吻我，总是跟我说：‘你爸是个疯子’。我就这样摇摆在两个极端：一头是爷爷的爱，一头是爸爸的恨。我爷爷知道如何去爱，但我爸爸不懂得爱，因为他的心被恐惧占满了。15岁那年，有一次我走过去给了我爸爸一个紧紧的拥抱，可他就那样耷拉着胳膊，手臂僵硬，也不抱我。我说‘我爱你爸爸’，他的身体开始发抖。在他的身体里有个被吓坏的孩子，他想去爱，也想被爱，只是不知道该如何去爱。”

“My father was a fascist. He was trained to be a terrorist in Mussolini’s army. He was anti-everybody. The Irish were ‘micks,’ black people were ‘niggers,’ and Jewish people were ‘kikes.’ His main weapon was pain. He raped me, locked me in closets, beat me with broom handles. He sent me to the hospital many times. He'd threaten to blow my brains out in the middle of the street. I absorbed a lot of his emotional energy. Sometimes his voice still comes out of me. When I’m really angry, and cussing myself out, I sound just like him. It’s him inside me, speaking to me. But I didn’t become him. My grandfather saved me. My grandmother was a fascist like my father. She counted her rosary beads and condemned the world, but my grandfather was a simple man. He lived with us. He always told me: ‘Your father is a nut.’ He hugged me and kissed me. I swung between two extremes: the love of my grandfather and the hate of my father. My grandfather knew how to love. My father couldn’t love because he was too filled with terror. He didn’t have the tools to love. Once when I was fifteen, I walked over to my father and gave him a big hug. He kept his arms stiff by his side. I said ‘I love you Dad,’ and his body started trembling. There was a terrified child inside of him. He wanted to love. And he wanted to be loved. He just didn’t know how.”

（@人在纽约 ｜美国）