看奥地利作家玛尔伦（Marlen Haushofer，姓氏的中译名太难记了，一直没记住）的《阁楼》也译介了，真好，忙过这段就去买。去年读《隐墙》，读完仿佛深陷其中，是一种非常特别的感受。这本1963年面世的小说，常被标签为“反乌托邦”文学。这几年则有很多读者以此书对照自己一夜之间被迫封闭的疫年体验。在小说开头，女主人公随朋友夫妇到奥地利的山间度假，那对夫妇去了村中，一夜未归，她留守林间木屋，第二天醒来，旧日的世界不复存在。一堵看不见的墙阻隔了她的天地和众人组成的世界，墙的那一边众生毁灭，而在墙的这一边，有林地和高山牧场，幸存的女主人公，还有一条猎犬，一头怀孕的母牛，一只母猫，几乎是一个母系族群。劫后余生落在字面，却是极为日常、写实、鲁滨逊荒岛日记式的记录，种土豆、给母牛接生、采摘浆果、割草，“从反乌托邦变成乌托邦”，几乎可当自然文学来读，叙述者对动物的关爱和了解倾注在笔端的细节，写猫和母牛的部分尤其好。阅读时我被两种并行的情绪撕扯，一方面，女人的劳作和照料，小世界秩序的建立和持续运转，是一种自我赋能的过程；另一方面，那个封闭的、自给自足的世界，暗含危机。资源有限，但有一日火柴，就过一天日子，有一张纸就继续记录。在平实冷静的叙述中，不时出现暗示，我知道这种平静不会持久，后续会有重大的变故，悬念和张力一直持续到全书的结尾。

《隐墙》可供解读的角度很多，但对于去年读到此书时的我来说，有一种奇特的安抚效果，甚至是empowering。后来我读到1992年英译本作家多丽丝·莱辛的推荐语，似有所悟：“你很少会说，只有一位女性才能写出这样一本书，但是女性确实更能理解女主人公对于建立和维系日常生活的细节投注的深情，这样的每一天都是在抗击一切想要破坏和摧毁的力量”。

后来我去网上找她的生平，英语世界资料还很少，德语世界似乎也是遗忘了她许久。她的父亲是护林员，玛尔伦十岁去修道院学校之前，是一个活泼的孩子，她享受着户外生活，在林中漫游的惬意时光。她喜欢和动物玩耍，听她最喜欢的叔叔讲故事。难怪她笔下的户外和动物的细节都那么真实。

也读到了她的遗言，是她死前一周左右写下的。她1968年诊断骨癌，1970年离她五十岁生日还差几周时去世。这段话悲伤，虚无，但是似乎也让人释然，无论如何，放下ego总是让人轻松的。radical acceptance，在认清虚无之后，死地后生，反倒能长出些力量。把英文版贴在这里：

Do not worry

Do not worry. You have seen too much and too little, like all the people before you. You have cried too much, perhaps too little, like all the people before you. Perhaps you have loved and hated too much - but only for a few years - twenty or so. What are twenty years? Then a part of you was dead, just like all people who can no longer love or hate. You endured a lot of pain, unwillingly - like all people before you. Your body soon became a nuisance to you, you never loved it. That was bad for you - or good, because the soul is not very attached to an unloved body. And what is the soul? You probably never had one, only a mind, and that wasn't aware of your feelings. Or was there sometimes something else? For moments? At the sight of bluebells or cat's eyes and the sorrow for a person, or certain stones, trees and statues; the swallows over the great city of Rome.

Do not worry.

Even if you were afflicted with a soul, it desires nothing but deep, dreamless sleep. The unloved body will no longer ache. Blood, flesh, bones and skin, everything will be a heap of ashes and even the brain will finally stop thinking. Thank God for that, who does not exist.

Don't worry - it will all have been in vain - as with all people before you.

A completely normal story.