#捕螺达人##捕螺还需国际化#
Chronicles of Backstabbers XV：
Loyalty Verification Bureau — Case File No. 7: An Investigation into the Authenticity of Kylian Mbappé's "Ronaldo Worship"

Case number: irrelevant.

Cases of this nature are never truly closed. They are merely filed, sealed, and placed in storage until public opinion requires them to be reopened, at which point the file is unsealed as though it had never been closed at all.

I. The Original Sin

The investigation began with a single sentence uttered by the Turtle.

The sentence itself was short. It was not even particularly vicious:

"I idolized him when I was a kid, but that's over now."

The Bureau received the complaint that very day and immediately established a special task force.

Its first memorandum was unequivocal:

"This Bureau is not concerned with whether the subject actually said this. That is a matter of fact, and matters of fact fall outside this Bureau's jurisdiction. Our jurisdiction begins with one question: What does the statement mean?"

The statement, naturally, could mean many things.

It could mean that a man was simply being honest about growing up and moving beyond a childhood idol.

Or it could mean that a man had been plotting for years, patiently waiting for the cameras to turn toward him before finally unsheathing the dagger of betrayal.

After extensive examination, the Bureau's experts reached a definitive conclusion:

Since neither interpretation could be conclusively disproved, the Bureau hereby invoked the Schrödinger's Backstab Principle: both interpretations were simultaneously valid, and the validity of the first did not invalidate the second.

Accordingly, the Bureau would adopt whichever interpretation was more damaging to the subject.

This was the Bureau's standard operating procedure, enshrined in Article One of its founding doctrine:

Where loyalty is in doubt, the harshest possible interpretation shall prevail.

II. The Four-Hundred-Million Marriage Certificate

Barely had the case been opened when the archives produced another statement from the very same interview, now entered into evidence as Exhibit No. 2.

Immediately after declaring that his "Ronaldo-worshipping phase" was over, the Turtle added:

"I have Neymar. Neymar is on Cristiano's level."

The task force convened an emergency meeting.

A newly recruited investigator raised his hand.

"This doesn't sound like an insult to Cristiano. If anything, he's praising Neymar. What does that have to do with Cristiano?"

The veteran investigator did not even look up from the file.

"You're still too young."

He turned another page.

"To say that Neymar is merely on Cristiano's level is itself the highest form of disrespect toward Cristiano. The GOAT occupies a position that permits no near-equals. He is to be worshipped, not compared."

He continued:

"What credentials did Neymar have back then? Not a single Ballon d'Or. A Champions League title won largely off the back of other people's work. And this little Turtle simply opens his mouth and declares them comparable."

"He drags his idol down a tier just to elevate the sweetheart beside him. That is not ordinary criticism. That is betrayal conducted in the idiom of the Four-Hundred-Million marriage."

The junior investigator hesitated.

"But… isn't that at least understandable? He was defending Neymar."

The veteran investigator finally closed the file.

"That is precisely what makes it worse."

He leaned back.

"He did not attack the GOAT head-on. He simply rearranged the seating chart."

He paused.

"That is a bloodless coup."

The supplementary evidence was formally entered into the case file under the title:

"On How Five Innocent Words — 'They're on the Same Level' — Can Accomplish a Spiritual Regicide Without Explicitly Insulting Anyone."

III. The GOAT Controversy and the Mbappé Paradox

Four years later, another piece of evidence arrived.

In 2021, the Turtle was asked why Messi had taken a penalty for the team. His answer was:

"It's normal. It's a sign of respect, because he's the best player in the world."

Attached to the evidence was an important footnote:

A rumor had circulated that Cristiano had consequently unfollowed the Turtle in anger. The reputable French broadcaster RTL later reported finding no causal connection between the two events.

One investigator was ecstatic.

"There! That proves the subject is innocent!"

The Director quietly removed the debunking report from the pile and placed it in a separate folder.

The label on the folder read:

"Feigning Stupidity. Not Accepted."

The investigator stared at him.

"But the media debunked it."

"The debunking establishes that the event did not happen," the Director replied. "It does not establish why people believed it happened."

He tapped the folder.

"Rumors do not require truth. They require plausibility."

"If everyone thought, 'Yes, that sounds exactly like something the GOAT would do,' that is evidence too."

"Evidence of what?"

"Of the mythology."

The Director smiled.

"Facts can be killed by a correction. A reputation for being petty survives."

And so the Messi-GOAT evidence, together with the debunking statement that nobody had bothered to read properly, was filed together for future reference.

The debunking statement was permanently stamped:

"Rehabilitation propaganda. Does not affect classification."

IV. The Seasoned Politician

The investigation then dug even further back and uncovered an earlier piece of evidence.

In 2019, the Turtle was asked:

"If you could only choose one between Messi and Cristiano for your team, who would you pick?"

His answer:

"I'd pick both. That way we'd win."

The statement triggered a brief internal dispute.

Some investigators argued that this demonstrated admirable neutrality and an unwillingness to offend either side.

The argument was swiftly rejected by higher authority.

The official ruling read:

"Refusing to offend either side proves precisely that the subject has been treating the matter as a carefully calculated multiple-choice question."

"A genuine Ronaldo worshipper answers instinctively. He does not first compose an impeccably diplomatic sentence and then deliver it."

"Such an answer can only come from one of two kinds of person: a seasoned politician, or a seasoned politician."

The ruling continued:

"The subject was nineteen years old at the time and therefore lacked the chronological qualifications required to become a seasoned politician."

"The Bureau finds it more likely, then, that the Turtle was simply born one."

V. The Hostile Takeover: Master of the Quiet Coup

By the seventh month of the investigation, the task force had dredged up a batch of supplementary evidence of considerably greater weight.

First came 2024, when the Turtle looked into a camera and declared that Cristiano would always be a legend.

Then came 2025.

The Turtle matched Cristiano's Real Madrid record of 59 goals in a calendar year, set in 2013. When the Turtle reached the number, he celebrated with Cristiano's trademark Siu.

And then, in an interview, he delivered the final sentence:

"I hope that one day people will worship me the way they worship Cristiano."

When this evidence reached the Bureau, the investigator on duty was visibly thrilled.

"Finally! Proof of absolute loyalty!"

The Director read the documents three times.

Then he looked up.

"Have you people never heard of a hostile takeover?"

The investigator looked confused.

The Director arranged the three pieces of evidence side by side.

"Look carefully."

"First, praise Cristiano as a legend. That's the groundwork."

"Then equal — perhaps even surpass — Cristiano's record. That's the succession bid."

"Then casually appropriate his signature celebration. That's the acquisition of the brand."

"And finally, say that you hope people will worship you as they worship him."

He smiled.

"That's when the dagger comes out."

He pointed at the documents one by one.

"Which part of this was accidental?"

"Every step is calculated. Every sentence is polished."

"This is clout theft, dressed up as tribute."

"First you siphon the GOAT's aura to establish yourself at the Bernabéu. Then you appropriate his signature gesture. Finally, you attempt to seize the very position of worship itself."

He tapped the table.

"His mouth says tribute. His hands are quietly taking possession of the GOAT's political inheritance."

The investigator still looked unconvinced.

"But… all of this really does sound quite respectful toward Cristiano."

The Director sighed.

"The more respectful it sounds, the more vigilant you must be."

"The most sophisticated theft never begins with a robbery. It begins with a bow."

"You lower your head, lower your body, lower your posture — and while everyone admires your humility, your hand is already slipping into the other man's pocket."

"By the time he realizes what happened, his name has been replaced on the deed."

He paused.

"And notice something else: the subject never once had to say an ugly word about the GOAT."

"Why?"

"Because that is the whole point."

"He wants to complete the operation and still walk away looking like a respectful admirer who merely appreciates the man he replaced."

The Director pushed the file aside.

"That is the highest form of backstabbing: skinning a man alive while everyone else mistakes it for a makeover."

The evidence was filed under:

"On How to Conduct a Respectful, Dignified Transfer of Ownership While Maintaining Impeccable Manners."

VI. Hunting the Mole

In the eleventh month of the investigation, the case took an unexpected turn.

The Bureau began investigating itself.

It started when someone discovered that the head of the task force himself had once declared, at an internal gathering two decades earlier:

"Actually, I think Messi is better."

The statement had been entirely harmless until someone pointed out that, according to the Bureau's own standards of authentication, it possessed every characteristic of a suspiciously inauthentic act of devotion.

For the first time in the Bureau's history, nobody in the room seemed eager to open the file.

An emergency meeting was convened.

The question before the house was whether the task-force chief himself should be placed under investigation.

Halfway through the meeting, someone asked a question that brought the room to absolute silence:

"If we use the methodology we invented to measure how much we ourselves worship the act of worship… what happens if we discover that we don't actually love this job in Ronaldo-land as much as we claim?"

No one answered.

In fact, the question was quietly deleted from the minutes, as though it had never been asked.

The employee who deleted it later added a note to his personal file:

"The act of deletion itself may also be interpreted as an act of betrayal."

The meeting ultimately concluded with a secret ballot transferring the chief's case indefinitely to a higher-level research division.

Within Bureau terminology, this meant:

There would never be a verdict.

But the file would be preserved permanently, ready to be reopened whenever — and this was the important part — whenever it might become useful.

VII. The Impostor

The investigation remains officially unresolved.

In 2026, shortly before the World Cup, the Turtle issued yet another statement:

"Messi and Cristiano are both the best in the world."

The evidence was immediately added to the case file.

The accompanying expert assessment was blunt:

"He refuses to award the crown to Cristiano alone and insists on inviting Messi — the alleged mistress in the Four-Hundred-Million marriage — to share the glory."

"This proves that, deep down, he has placed the GOAT on the same level as the very mistress who supposedly wrecked his Four-Hundred-Million marriage to Neymar."

The Bureau's public statement was blunt, printed in bold on the front page of its official website:

"The investigation remains ongoing. The public is advised to remain vigilant. Any manifestation of Ronaldo worship may be the most sophisticated form of camouflage."

Beneath it, one comment received more likes than any other:

"Exactly. I always knew this Turtle was a sleeper agent. Now we finally have proof."

Beneath that comment came a reply from another anonymous user, somewhat hesitant in tone:

"But… what exactly is the evidence?"

Nobody liked it.

Nobody replied.

Three days later, it quietly disappeared, as though it had never existed.

Whether it had been deleted by someone else or withdrawn by its author, the archives contain no record.

The Bureau, for its part, stated that the matter "falls outside the jurisdiction of this Bureau."

Case File No. 7 remains suspended pending further developments.

Or, more accurately:

pending the next incident that makes reopening it useful.

History has demonstrated that such an incident is never very far away. http://t.cn/AXpYnWDU